I Just don't fucking get it! I don't. How the hell is it fair that you wont go out with some other guy you like because I mean more to you, and yet that's not enough for you to actually try going out with me just because I'm graduating and your parents are fucking racist bastards who wouldn't like you dating me just because I'm black? What kind of fucking shit is that! Huh?! How the hell is it fair to say that I mean more to you than he does, but not enough to try dating me when you would date him in a heartbeat if you had the chance.. That's fucking bullshit and you know it. How much more can you really fucking care about me if you wont even try to make things work with us? Just go ahead and fucking date him. It really doesn't matter whether I give a shit in the first place if you wont even try just because of the way your fucking parents are does it? But no, not like I can tell you that. You wouldn't know what it feels like to realize one reason you can never be with someone is because you don't have the right skin color for their family so that they'll approve of you being together. I know it isn't your fault they're like that, but god do I fucking hate them for it whether they're your parents or not. I dont even know what else to say.. I really dont. I guess I'll just stop here then..

Guess I'm back.

Well, it's been kind of a long time since I've actually posted anything. Guess I just hadnt really felt like coming on here, but maybe it's better I do. Been a while since I've just written about whats going on and all. Kinda like with school. I havent really been doing that great lately in school since I've been deciding to slack off so much. Especially in my Senior Seminar class which is a class for the senior project i have to do to graduate. And it's fucking retarded. But I've gone over that part in my life enough already i think. But to put it simply, because I haven't dont much, I'm not really sure if I'll actually pass the project anymore. I'm hoping I will, but I cant say for sure. And then I've still got work to do in my English 3 class to try and make sure that I pass, and if I'm lucky that should be a bit easier. Only other problem I guess I have going on is my love life. Then again, I guess I dont really have one, unless you count my seemingly one-sided feelings for other people. And I say seemingly because even though I'm pretty sure of a few people who do like or care about me, none of them are actually single or planning to be any time soon it seems. And I couldnt be sure they'd actually be willing to date me then or not anyway. Like one of my best friends Miranda, who I know actually likes me but when i asked her out she told me she wasnt sure if we should date since she didnt want to lose me as a friend if we broke up. And yet we kinda got closer still after that, and actually ended up making out one day, but since she still said she wasnt ready for a relationship, we just chose to kinda act like it never happened. Then, down the road one day this guy asked her out and she said yes. I wasnt actually around when that happened, but I found out pretty much the next day I guess when I walked past and saw the two of them kissing which honestly felt like a stab to my heart. Then there's another close friend of mine Tia, who lives in Kentucky that I asked to prom as a wasy for us to visit each other and maybe convince our parents to let us see each other more often. So, she said yes to prom and all, and then a few weeks later, I found out she's going out with some guy she met and has apparently fallen in love with. And these days she barely even talks to me honestly. If anything, she never even says hi unless I text her or something first. But I'd bet she has all the time in the world for her damn boyfriend when she's off work. Whatever. And then finally there's Lizz, who's my ex-girlfriend that lives about two hours away. Well, after she and I broke up we kinda argued some still mostly because she wanted us to go back out, but i wasnt sure if I'd wanted to get back in a relationship yet, so, she starts going out with someone else that she apparenly fell in love with enough that she said she loved him as much as she did me. Well, as if that wasnt bad enough, she started asking me to try and be friends with me like I was just supposed to get over everything be happy for her and let that be the end of it. And yet I know as much as she can say she misses me, I'd bet it doesnt fuckin matter cuz now that she has her boyfriend who is apparently so perfect how I feel about her seems to matter somewhat, but not enough to change anything, so why the hell am I even trying? Or even hoping one day I'll get to maybe be with one of them? I think its because I've let myself become a hopeless idiot who almost acts like he needs a woman in his life for things to be okay... I feel so fucking stupid! It's like no matter what I do, even if I see the signs or not, I always let myself get hurt by things I do my damn self. I just wish this shit would end or that I could find something to distract me from it or just SOMETHING to make me not feel so bad. But that's just wishful thinking. Not anything that'll actually get me anywhere right? I dont fucking know man. It just feels like my life is a piece of crap right now. Yeah, I know there are millions of people who have life worse than I do, and I take a lot of things for granted, and I wish I didnt sometimes, but I just havent been able to figure out how to change my way of thinking so much that all those things give me a brighter outlook. I just dont know how. I mean, I've kind of always been ruled by my emotions in one form or another. I just hope I can figure something out so I dont go crazy and become anymore obsessed with any of this than I already seem to be. God, just show me the way out somewhere.